Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
