That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
