My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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