Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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