yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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