Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
