mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
