He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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