How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
