My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
