I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
