In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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