If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
