I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
