How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
