we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize