he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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