you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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