it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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