all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
