I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
