I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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