Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My bed smells like the plague
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
