I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
