I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
