Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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