I looked at my own cervix.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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