I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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