Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
