I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Couch. On fire.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
