Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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