When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize