yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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