I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
