Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
