put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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