and she was petting her beer can
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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