In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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