look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
