You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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