Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
