fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize