You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
