i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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