Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
