my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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