dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
