Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
