How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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