I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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