I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
