he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
