i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
