I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize