I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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