probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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